journal entry...

Not sure why, but I felt moved to share this...

I feel this sorrow in my soul, on the verge of tears, I’m not sure from where it comes. Call it a crisis of faith? No it’s not close to that, but I wonder why I am who I am, where are you calling me to go? The confusion surrounds me wherever I go. Lead me and guide me. Never forsake me. Help me to know that you will never let me go.

Up, down, I look all over. Searching for your face. Is it Jesus? Is it the Holy Spirit? Is it you? Aw, the reflection stares back at me and it looks just like me, but maybe it’s you living inside of me. How could I be more than what I am? I don’t know, but maybe you do.

I feel these words flowing from within, as a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I want to get them out, can’t type fast enough. Maybe you are typing in the midst of my world. I don’t understand, I fear I never will, reveal to me, reveal to me your will.

Help me, hold me, lift me up. So that I might be high enough to catch a glimpse. To catch a glimpse of your glory, just as Moses did. Would it be enough then? I doubt it would, I doubt it ever will be, for just as Moses was not satisfied, I long for more, I long for it deeper, is that wrong? I long for more in the midst of all you’ve already given. Am I selfish, am I a fraud?

I know I love you deep within, but is it knowledge, is it spirit? I don’t know what to call it, it just is. Your love is more than I can comprehend, your love, your expectation for us to send, to send ourselves into this world and conquer it with love for your cause. But you’re more than a cause, more than a crutch, more than anything I can comprehend.

In the end, it’s just you and me. And I struggle to understand what it’s meant to be. Thank you Jesus, thank you so for loving me and letting me go from all the burdens, all the fears, all the turmoil. If I let it, it would eat me up, but with you, you just build me up.

I sense your Spirit, I sense your presence, Oh my God, if I could only describe the feeling that is inside. If I could write it down or paint it true, I fear that it wouldn’t really describe you. Lead me, guide me through it all, Father God, you are my all in all.

too much caffeine...

Those of you who know me know that I cannot do caffeine. In fact I have completely cut it out of my diet for health reasons. I thank God that for whatever reason I can still enjoy chocolate since it does not tend to bother me as much as caffeine in soda. Anyway, I had an evening meeting tonight and picked up a green tea and dark chocolate for the ride home and I am way too wired now...so what else to do but blog?

I have been reading through (and listening to) the book of Joshua lately and today I heard something interesting for the first time.

Joshua 2:15 reads, "So she let them down by a rope through the window, for the house she lived in was part of the city wall."

Now prior to this, we are told that Joshua secretly sends two spies to look over the land, "especially Jericho." They went and entered the house of Rahab, a prostitute. She hides the spies because she knows, "that the LORD has given this land" to them and "the LORD your God is God in heaven above and on earth below." In exchange she asks for protection for her and her family.

After the Israelites cross the Jordan and come to Jericho in the most bizarre story of conquering a city ever, God gives them the city upon following his command to march around the city seven times on the seventh day (of marching). How do they get into the city? "The wall collapsed."

First, Rahab has amazing faith in God in the midst of a city filled with people who for all we know do not believe in the one true God. This faith gives her the boldness to hide spies who were scoping out her land to conquer, and to bargain with them for her and her family's lives. She does as the spies tell her and ties a scarlet cord in the window so they can distinguish her from the others. Yet, we are told that she lives in the city wall and the wall collapsed. Can you imagine the fear that Rahab and her family must have experienced as they felt the wall collapsing around them waiting for the promise to be fulfilled?

I have been thinking a lot lately about the cost of following Jesus. We are told by Jesus himself that it is not easy. We are told to take up our cross and follow him. We are told that in this world we will have trouble. But we are also told that Jesus has overcome the world! As difficult as it must have been for Rahab and her family to trust in God's promise in the midst of the chaos and disaster unfolding around them, after the siege of the city, her faith was rewarded with the fulfillment of God's promise to save her and her family. And more than that, her faith was rewarded with being included in Jesus' lineage.

Just like Rahab, although we experience trouble and difficulties that test our faith, God keeps his promises. And just as Rahab is saved and included in Jesus' lineage, we are saved by Jesus and included in his lineage as "heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

In a culture where we avoid suffering at all costs, may we come to understand this text more deeply through the presence of Jesus in our lives and truly understand what it means to share in Jesus' sufferings. I know; it's a very scary prayer...