journal entry...

Not sure why, but I felt moved to share this...

I feel this sorrow in my soul, on the verge of tears, I’m not sure from where it comes. Call it a crisis of faith? No it’s not close to that, but I wonder why I am who I am, where are you calling me to go? The confusion surrounds me wherever I go. Lead me and guide me. Never forsake me. Help me to know that you will never let me go.

Up, down, I look all over. Searching for your face. Is it Jesus? Is it the Holy Spirit? Is it you? Aw, the reflection stares back at me and it looks just like me, but maybe it’s you living inside of me. How could I be more than what I am? I don’t know, but maybe you do.

I feel these words flowing from within, as a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I want to get them out, can’t type fast enough. Maybe you are typing in the midst of my world. I don’t understand, I fear I never will, reveal to me, reveal to me your will.

Help me, hold me, lift me up. So that I might be high enough to catch a glimpse. To catch a glimpse of your glory, just as Moses did. Would it be enough then? I doubt it would, I doubt it ever will be, for just as Moses was not satisfied, I long for more, I long for it deeper, is that wrong? I long for more in the midst of all you’ve already given. Am I selfish, am I a fraud?

I know I love you deep within, but is it knowledge, is it spirit? I don’t know what to call it, it just is. Your love is more than I can comprehend, your love, your expectation for us to send, to send ourselves into this world and conquer it with love for your cause. But you’re more than a cause, more than a crutch, more than anything I can comprehend.

In the end, it’s just you and me. And I struggle to understand what it’s meant to be. Thank you Jesus, thank you so for loving me and letting me go from all the burdens, all the fears, all the turmoil. If I let it, it would eat me up, but with you, you just build me up.

I sense your Spirit, I sense your presence, Oh my God, if I could only describe the feeling that is inside. If I could write it down or paint it true, I fear that it wouldn’t really describe you. Lead me, guide me through it all, Father God, you are my all in all.